Anger, an emotion that is “characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong” (APA, 2022). So, what exactly is the purpose of anger, from an evolutionary point of view?
Early humans needed anger to protect themselves from intruders, for example, if you were a caveman, your anger would keep other cave people away and protect your family. It also protects the food that you hunted & gathered, which you need for survival. Without anger in this context, you would just let anyone come in and take whatever they wanted. In today’s world, we use the term “pushover” or “a doormat” to describe someone who lets people do and take as they please.
For a moment, let’s consider the last time you felt anger. Now, ask yourself, what was it for? Or consider the last time that someone you know was angry. Why were they angry? When you look at each of these situations, we can understand that anger is demonstrated to set a boundary for a real or imaginary intrusion to one’s privacy or life. So, when we look at it from this angle, then why would it be bad to set boundaries? Why shouldn’t you? How else would others know that they are crossing your boundaries or how else would you know you are crossing someone else’s?
As we can see, anger in these situations, if understood properly, is used to communicate something with another person. It is a language that needs to be understood & taken seriously, rather than pushed aside. However, for a lot of people, anger is not acceptable and is an emotion that should be suppressed. What follows will typically be a fake smile, or withdrawal from the person/situation. Regardless of what you choose when you suppress your anger, you are not being authentic with yourself & with others.
Personally, I would rather someone be true to themselves and yet angry with me, than be kind but fake. With this in mind, anger itself is not the problem, but rather knowing what to do with the anger is what causes issues. Not knowing what to do with your anger can make you passive-aggressive, passive or just aggressive. Although there are situations that call for aggression, such as being attacked, in general, that kind of situation is not very common. However, our anger can be unleashed when we perceive that we are attacked in one way or another.
So what can we actually do? Well, let’s consider this. When we slow down and take our time to understand the anger, as well as our thoughts, we come up with a great realization. This allows us to understand what it is that we want and what we absolutely do not want. You can then firmly communicate that without losing control. This is what we call being assertive.
As a result, we allow ourselves to be the most authentic version of ourselves and share that with others. So be angry! If it is the real you, then choose anger as a means of authenticity, over niceness as a means of being fake.
Now apply that to someone else’s anger. Are they experiencing a real threat or a perceived one? By putting this into context, let’s communicate with the person that our intention was not to cross a line. In the end, we should be genuinely thanking them for sharing their dissatisfaction, and vice-versa.
Because in the end, what is truly better; being the real you or attempting to mask your feelings with fakeness?
References
American Psychological Association (2022). Anger. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger.
